Oct. 08, 2003 - 3:36 p.m.
Dear Meghan:
About two weeks ago, I began to fall seriously ill. My throat and chest became occupied by some throat-and-chest virus thingy, and I had to call off of the law firm jobber twice – remarkable only as it is something I have never done. The last two Clowns shows exacerbated the problem, and each Saturday that followed found me with little voice and less energy.
Somewhere between lolling in bed and hacking up phlegm balls the size of Newark, I began to think that my personal life may be an influencing factor in my illness. Indeed, taking a quick survey of friends and events of 2003, the vast majority have either evaporated or went into a wild downhill spiral (not a very pleasant or logical image, but somehow appropriate). I have tried to absorb most of what’s been tossed my way, and that has no doubt aided my illitude. So I have been on a mission of late to try and exorcise some of these demons.
1. Instead of festering about whether Scott left the Clowns because of me or because of him, I just wrote him and asked him outright. Whatever his answer will be, it will be the end of that corner of self-bashing.
2. Lauren, who accused me of sabotaging the group by not letting her bring her actor pals into our tech rehearsal, finally got a response from me today as well. An excerpt: “If you really want I will try to contact my agent and retrieve some phone numbers for all the celebrities I invited. Unfortunately, I don't know if I will get in contact with these people. We can only hope that I will get their numbers and tell them that our sketch comedy troupe doesn't want them there. I can't wait to break the news. It will be a hoot. They probably won't mind how selfish we are to have a closed rehearsal.”
The details of my letter to her are not worth getting into, but to sum it up, I have decided not to carry any guilt or shame that she wants to pin on me, and, as you can see, she wanted to pin a lot. Can’t you just hear the sneering in her words? It is perhaps my worst failing I do tend to think people know what they’re talking about … so I did spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if, yes, I was sabotaging the group…. my conclusion: no way.
3. Jennifer wrote me the other day and said she missed me and wondered how “we” could work it out. Normally, I swoon at being part of a “we” – I loves me some solidarity, sister! But that implied that “we” created the situation, so I wrote back saying just that. There’s no way “we” could fix the situation because “we” did not create it.
There are a few other people who I have some issues with – Artie and our old pal, JAM – but frankly, they don’t matter enough to warrant any action. Scott, Lauren and Jennifer DO warrant action, though, as I hope to have them in my future. But, despite the potentially grim nature of my missives, I have tried to be sensitive and open to future friendship and, dare I say it, love. I just have to get out of the habit of collecting shame and guilt. It’s beginning to, in Paul Simon’s words, change the shape of my face. The downside to collecting guilt and shame on behalf of other people is … well, no upside.
I’ve also been catching up on all the ‘good’ e-mails, responding to friends, family, etc. as well as writing some notes to Cynthia and Kelly, the two ‘new’ women who joined us for this latest show. They were marvelous and I had to make sure they knew it. And I’ve written to Sarah and Jeb, too, about what might come next and how marvelous they are as well.
Aside from that, I am also drinking a lot of green tea. And I’m feeling a damn sight more healthy, ay what.
Love,
Vincent
what they said - what they will say
